I enjoy quiet moments, but i dont like the idea of being alone. Its like, sometimes i enjoy just stoning by the sea and feeling the breeze with a friend next to me but yet not talk to each other. I dont know if any of you enjoy moments like that, but i do. I know it sounds weird so i dont do that often because it might just bore the other person totally but if you happen to be just like me, call me anytme, to enjoy that tranquility.
And sometimes i feel that i have a lot of penned up thoughts inside me and i need to let it all out but yet when im face to face with somebody who's willing to hear me whine, i just lost it. Its like, theres so many things i wanna say but yet i dont wanna say it anymore.
So whenever i meet Zm, sometimes, or most of the times he'll say "i know you got a lot of things bottling up, dont think you dont wanna talk means i dont know you're not troubled. Anything must say out cannot keep it to yourself ok?"
Hate it when i try to pretend everythings perfect but he have to spoil it all by reminding me its all imperfect. Then again, i always snap right at him when he's trying to pretend too and most of the time i just 'poke' it too much its totally not pleasing to the ears. But I totally love being so straightforward. So i think we're quits.
I like honesty, am totally against hyprocrisy. Its very obvious if i like you or not cos it just shows. I like to hear the truth too, not things that sounds nice. They say a white lie is not a total lie but i think that's bullshit because it is still a lie. But then, everytime i hear the truth, bad truth, i hope i never knew about it and sometimes to the extent whereby i rather hear a misleading lie. Its like, a nice lie gives me hope and the truth just kills it all.
So now you see, how contradicting i am. I find it really difficult to understand myself and i dont like it. They always tell me to stop thinking too indepth, but i cant resist but to keep thinking and its so tiring. Its bad enough that i think so much, its worst when my thoughts are always contradicting. Its like i never really know what i want, who i want to be, what i want to do, where i wanna be.
Im scared of myself sometimes because i dont know who i really am or what my personality is really like. Im like living in this world of too many facades, my very own facade. And im tired..so tired of finding out where i actually belong.
Im really tired .. so tired .... too tired ......
* yours truly.
amber.ruoxuan\\twenty\
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20051987\\single\\operations analyst @ credit suisse\\friendster*
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